IVF #1 The Day my World Collapsed

The day after I saw my baby’s heartbeat I woke up smiling.   Life was good.   I headed to the bathroom first thing in the morning and when I wiped I saw bright red blood.   Not a lot, just a tiny bit, but enough to freak me out.

I headed out to the bedroom and told my husband.  He told me to call my nurse and that everything would be ok. I called my nurse and she said a little bit of spotting was normal.   Nothing to worry about.   I tried not to freak out but later that afternoon I had more spotting.

The next day was more of the same.  I was starting to panic.  How could I be spotting?   I called the nurse again and heard the same thing.  Spotting is normal.  Unless I was bleeding through a pad in an hour or so, I should be fine.

The third day after the ultrasound I had a bit of spotting but it was brownish.  I felt much better.  My dad also came down that day to help us around the house so I had a distraction.  I ended up going to bed early because of the stress and when I woke up the next morning I had more bright red spotting.

This time when I called my nurse she told me if it would make me feel better I could come in for an ultrasound.  I agreed and called the RE’s office closer to me.  They could take me Saturday morning.

Saturday morning came and I was going to go by myself but at the last minute my husband came too.  He didn’t want me to go alone.   We went to the RE’s and I sat shaking in the ultrasound room.   He looked at the ultrasound, measured the baby, told me he saw the fetal pole, he saw the sac, and then he was quiet.   After a minute he looked at me and told me he couldn’t find a heartbeat.

miscarriage

In that moment my world shattered.   I burst into tears and started gasping for breath.  My husband squeezed my hand tightly and told me it would be ok.  He began stroking my head.   Both of us were looking so hard at the monitor.  The RE looked at us again and said he couldn’t see a heart beat and I was still measuring 6 weeks 2 days.   He told me to get dressed and he’d meet me in the other room.

I lay on the table, undressed, sobbing until my heart completely broke.  My husband gathered me into his arms and tried to whisper to me that he loved me and it would be ok but I knew I would never be ok again.   After calming down as much as I could, I got dressed and walked dully into the other room.

The RE told me that he was sorry he couldn’t find the heartbeat but that he’d like me to come back in 3 days so they could check again.   He didn’t think they would find one and he began giving me my options.   I could just wait and see what happened, I could take medications to make me lose the baby, or I could get a D&C.   I sat staring at him while my husband told him that we would think about it and wait until we came back.

I got into the car and my husband got into the driver’s seat.   I’ve never been so grateful that he came with to the appointment.   I cried the entire way home and crawled into bed once we got home.   My husband crawled into bed with me and just held me all night.

I am writing this post 3 months after I found out my baby’s heart stopped beating.   While I have stopped crying everyday, and the pain has lessened, there is a hole in my heart where my baby should be.  Time may soften the blow but I’ll never forget my baby.  All I can do is keep trying and look for a brighter future.

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