Saturday and Sunday were the hardest days I’ve ever had. I stayed in bed most of the weekend crying. I had to be coaxed out of bed by my husband to eat dinner on Sunday. I was having a hard time facing the fact I would have to get up Monday morning and go back to work…to all my students.
Monday I woke up early and started my normal routine. It helped to keep my routine. I was like a zombie going around doing what needed to be done before school. I got in my car and headed to school. When I got there I was glad no one else was around. When my aid got there I had a hard time holding myself together but managed.
The worst part was when the kids came in. After the weekends a lot of the kids need hugs and love and while I was more then happy to give it to them, that Monday it hurt. All I could think of was that I might never have a child.
I got through the day and early the next morning we went back to the RE. I lay on the table with my husband holding my hand. The RE performed the scan quickly and then told me to meet him in his office. He told me that there was no heart beat and that the baby had stayed the same size. He let me know that I needed to decide if I wanted to let a natural miscarriage happen, use medication, or have surgery. I promised I’d called the next day and left.
That ultrasound was easier then the first. I was void of emotions and just stared at the screen and stared at the doctor. I cried some on the way home and had to go to work when we got back.
The next day, Wednesday, I called the RE crying. I told them that I wanted to have the procedure, that I couldn’t keep waiting for something to happen. My brother was getting married on Saturday and I couldn’t risk having the miscarriage during his wedding.
I took Thursday and Friday off from work. I already had Friday off for the wedding and took the whole day off on Thursday as I had to be at the doctor’s at 11. They wanted to try to get the baby out in the office without any medication but once I got there and they saw how jumpy I was they knew that wouldn’t happen.
The RE took me into the room to speak with me. He asked me what I wanted to do and I started crying. I told him I couldn’t handle having my baby, without a heart beat, inside of me anymore. He told me to wait and came back 10 minutes later. He told me to be back there at 1 the next day for a D&C.
Well that’s all it took. I really started sobbing. I told him I couldn’t come back tomorrow that my brother was getting married out of town and I had to be there. I was a total wreck. My husband wrapped me up and told the doctor tomorrow was impossible. The RE left again.
When he returned he told me that he had cleared his schedule and would meet me at the hospital in 1 hour. He was going to do the D&C today. I was so grateful to him for taking the time to do this that I didn’t even know what to say. He told me to just get over to the hospital and he would meet me there.