So here I am. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Every month is the same thing. I wake up at 6am, take my temperature, record it in Fertility Friend, then put down any symptoms I might be feeling.
Later on in the week I’ll start using OPK’s (ovulation prediction kits) to try and see when my LH surge occurs. Usually I get a positive for 1 1/2 days before I actually ovulate so I usually get 3 positives (I take them 12 hours apart). After that I know I ovulate.
As soon as I get the positive OPK I tell my husband and then we plan our next 48 hours. It’s not spontaneous, it’s just doing what we have to do. Sometimes we aren’t feeling good or feeling like it but we have to try. Even though we’ve tried for several years without success we still try.
The last week I’ve been sad. I keep asking myself what I will do if we don’t have a child. How will I feel? What will I do? Honestly? I don’t know. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut right now. I do the same things everyday. Most of my life revolves around trying to get pregnant. If I’m not focused on that then I’m thinking about work. That’s what my life has come to and I’m kind of sad about it.
We did take 3 months off from treatment and I thought that was good for us. The first month I didn’t even want to this about trying to conceive. The second month we actually started having some fun and by the third month we were having fun! However, all three of those months I just knew we weren’t going to conceive. Now it looks like IUI isn’t going to work for us either. It’s going to be IVF or nothing to get me pregnant.
I don’t understand it. I keep asking why? I will be such a good mother some day. I work with kids all day long. I work with kids who have special needs all day long. I feel like I’m their mother half the time. I teach them academically but I also teach them about life. I’m super patient and I show them that I care about them when they think no one else does. I put my heart and soul into those kids but yet I can’t have one of my own. It’s not fair. It just isn’t.
Every day people get pregnant by accident. People get pregnant who don’t want to be. Yet here we are, wishing and hoping everyday for a kid, wanting to give a child a loving home and we can’t have one.
I’m scared to go on to IVF again. I’m scared because what if it doesn’t work? I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll be crushed and I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it again. Or worse…what if I get pregnant again and then lose the baby again? That scares me the most of all.
Unfortunately, this is what happens on the cycles when I don’t do treatment. I can’t stop thinking about the what if.