Rough Days

The last week has been tough.   I started my period on Thursday and have been very sad every since.   It’s not that I didn’t think it was going to come.   I knew it would.  The problem is that when I did my first round of IVF I was excited and really thought things were going to be ok.  Now that we are on round two I don’t feel that way.

Twice last week I’ve cried myself to sleep.   On Saturday I started crying in front of my husband. When he asked what was wrong I didn’t want to tell him.  I finally broke down and told him that I feel like this is it.   With my horrible FSH and AMH levels this is probably our last shot at having a baby.   If the stims don’t work this month I don’t know what we’ll do.  It’s not like we can afford to have continuous treatment.

So I’m left in a bad place.  My mind races every night when I’m in bed.  Some nights I think it’ll be ok if we don’t have a baby and other nights I feel like I’m going to shatter.   It’s a rough place to be.

I did talk to the IVF nurse on Friday.  She didn’t have my protocol yet but wanted to talk for a few minutes.  We discussed doing the embryo biopsy, which IS covered by my insurance thankfully.  We also talked about my husband getting a repeat SA and then about a few other little things.

I’ve been waiting since December for this month to get here and now that it’s here I’m scared.   I’m not afraid to admit it.   Up until last month I’ve always responded really well so I haven’t worried about getting eggs, I just worried about getting pregnant.   Now I have to worry about even having any eggs to get pregnant with.

Hopefully better days are coming.   I’m hopeful I’ll feel better once I get my protocol and we get started with this adventure.

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