Today is May 4th. Any other year it would be just that….May 4th. This year it’s a sad day for me as it would have been my estimated due date. I can still remember my first ultrasound when I saw my baby’s heart beating and the tech turned to me and told me I was due on May 4th. I thought, what a great date. It’s a good time of year, we don’t have to worry about bad weather, and no one in my family has a birthday in May.
Now of course May 4th is a painful day for me. I started thinking about it 2 weeks ago. I started getting weepy and my husband was asking why. I finally told him I was sad because my due date was coming up and where we should be getting ready to hold our little baby, instead we are gearing up for another IVF cycle. I know my baby obviously wasn’t healthy enough to survive but I think about the baby a lot.
I haven’t looked at the photos of the embryo they implanted in many months but this weekend I took the photo out again and looked at it. It’s the only picture I have of my baby. They didn’t give me one during that first ultrasound…the only ultrasound where my baby was alive. I’m sad about that and if I’m ever pregnant again I will make sure I get a photo of my baby and its beating heart.
While time has helped heal me there are still times when I think of what could have been or what my baby would have been like. Today has been a hard day already and its only just begun. Today I’ll think about and pray for my little angel baby that I’ll never meet. I hope my angel is in a place where they are happy.
I haven’t done anything to memorialize my loss and I’m not sure I will. I thought about planting a tree or a bush and I still may do that but I’m not sure. Now would the time. My hospital also has a butterfly release for anyone that has lost a child or a baby so I’m thinking about doing that next month. In any case, my baby may be gone but certainly is not forgotten.