Official Beta: It’s a No

So it’s official.  I had my beta on Tuesday and it was negative.  My nurse called early and told me and was very apologetic.   Even though I knew it was negative I still cried.   It’s horrible to be in this position.   I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions over the past week.

Negative Pregnancy Test

At first I was sad.   I cried a lot for several days just thinking that I may never be a mom.   I don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant naturally  and I can’t even get pregnant via IVF.  What’s wrong with me?   I feel completely broken and like I’m a disappointment to myself, my husband, my family, and the human race.

Yesterday I entered the mad phase.   Why can’t I get pregnant?   There are people all over the world who don’t even try and get pregnant so why not me?  I’d be a great mom and I want it to bad.   I’m mad at myself, my body, my doctor, my nurse, and pretty much everyone around me.  It’s a bad place to be but it’s where I am right now.  I’m pissed off.

I have to call and make an appointment in a week or two with the RE.   It’s called my WTF appointment to talk about what went wrong.  I’ve got a good idea of what went wrong…my AMH is .26 at age 34, my FSH is around 14, and out of 9 eggs only 5 were mature and of those only 2 freaking fertilized.   That’s what’s wrong.  I don’t even know if I have enough eggs left to go through another round of IVF.

I’ve been going back and forth on that too.   I want a baby so badly it hurts.  I don’t want to go through IVF again.  This last cycle was horrible.  I was in a lot of pain throughout the process and I can’t imagine working while cycling.  Both times I’ve done IVF I’ve done it in the summer but there is no way I can do that again because we can’t wait because of my crappy old eggs.  My husband is 11 years older then me and I’m the freaking problem.  How unfair is that?

I’ve got to work through this and thankfully I’ve got a few weeks left until school starts, 3 1/2 weeks to be exact.  I need to get it together, process this loss, because really while not officially a loss, it’s a loss of 2 embryos to me.  We need to talk to the doctor and figure out what our next step is and if we even have another chance at IVF because I’m not even sure we do.

So here I am.   Sad, mad, depressed, scared, worried, and unsure.  It’s a rough place to be.  One thing I do know for sure is infertility sucks.


10 thoughts on “Official Beta: It’s a No

  1. sbear2014

    Infertility does suck! I’m so sorry that it hasn’t worked out the way you’d hoped and invested in it to. Prayers and hugs for you while you deal with figuring out the next steps.


  2. heathermstaley2014

    I agree! It is a very tough journey no one really understands until they have gone through it. I hope you find peace.


  3. The EcoFeminist

    Couldn’t agree more. We aren’t good candidates for regular IVF as my eggs are just about gone and what’s in there is no good, so we’re looking at donor egg and adoption. Adoption was an easy decision for us and it took a while but we’re going forward with a donor egg after a lot of thought and talking to others who did it. The grief still sits there, surprising me at the most inopportune times. Sometimes I’m optimistic, sometime I’m an effing mess. Big hugs sent your way as you bravely go forward in your journey.


    1. 26rainbow Post author

      Thank you. I hope that your journey continues and you are successful with donor eggs. This was brought up to me as well but it’s pretty expensive and of course our insurance won’t cover it so I’m not sure it’ll be possible for us.


  4. Ronniesgirl

    Lady, I hear you on all accounts. DH is 7 years older than I am and–because of some medications–we were sure he was the culprit. Nope. He has golden balls and I have moldy ovaries. It sucks. A lot. I constantly feel like a disappoint to our families. And I’ve never gotten a good answer as to why women with DOR even need intervention.

    Heavy sigh.

    You know where to find me if you need to vent.



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