So it’s official. I had my beta on Tuesday and it was negative. My nurse called early and told me and was very apologetic. Even though I knew it was negative I still cried. It’s horrible to be in this position. I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions over the past week.
At first I was sad. I cried a lot for several days just thinking that I may never be a mom. I don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant naturally and I can’t even get pregnant via IVF. What’s wrong with me? I feel completely broken and like I’m a disappointment to myself, my husband, my family, and the human race.
Yesterday I entered the mad phase. Why can’t I get pregnant? There are people all over the world who don’t even try and get pregnant so why not me? I’d be a great mom and I want it to bad. I’m mad at myself, my body, my doctor, my nurse, and pretty much everyone around me. It’s a bad place to be but it’s where I am right now. I’m pissed off.
I have to call and make an appointment in a week or two with the RE. It’s called my WTF appointment to talk about what went wrong. I’ve got a good idea of what went wrong…my AMH is .26 at age 34, my FSH is around 14, and out of 9 eggs only 5 were mature and of those only 2 freaking fertilized. That’s what’s wrong. I don’t even know if I have enough eggs left to go through another round of IVF.
I’ve been going back and forth on that too. I want a baby so badly it hurts. I don’t want to go through IVF again. This last cycle was horrible. I was in a lot of pain throughout the process and I can’t imagine working while cycling. Both times I’ve done IVF I’ve done it in the summer but there is no way I can do that again because we can’t wait because of my crappy old eggs. My husband is 11 years older then me and I’m the freaking problem. How unfair is that?
I’ve got to work through this and thankfully I’ve got a few weeks left until school starts, 3 1/2 weeks to be exact. I need to get it together, process this loss, because really while not officially a loss, it’s a loss of 2 embryos to me. We need to talk to the doctor and figure out what our next step is and if we even have another chance at IVF because I’m not even sure we do.
So here I am. Sad, mad, depressed, scared, worried, and unsure. It’s a rough place to be. One thing I do know for sure is infertility sucks.