Not Pregnant

I’m sorry it’s taken me several days to update.   When I got the call that my beta was negative I didn’t know what to do.  I called my husband in tears.   I could not believe it was negative.  He could not believe it was negative.  I’ve done everything I possible can to get pregnant and it’s still a no.

The last few days have been a blur.  I’ve had several holiday parties which have been a good distraction but on the other side anything can make me burst into tears.  I don’t know what to do and I just cannot believe that we are here.

After 3 IVF cycle what do you do?   If I can’t get pregnant via IVF what other chances do I have?  None.  That’s the chance I have.  I am totally devastated right now.  My husband is trying to be supportive.  He keeps telling me this is just another hurdle that we’ll overcome it and we’ll keep on trying.  I’m glad he’s being encouraging but I feel like I’ve hit the bottom.

I’m walking around in a cloud of sorrow.   I don’t think we can afford another IVF and what would be the point?   If my last two cycles are any indication my eggs suck.  I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I probably will never be a parent. Even just writing that has me in tears.

I know everyone probably says it but I would be a good mom.  My husband would be a good dad.   We are good people so why is this happening to us?  I can remember thinking that over 2 years ago when we first went to the RE but I had a lot of hope back then.   Now I have next to none.

I really don’t know what to do now.  I don’t know where to turn from here.  I’m 35 years old and my eggs are awful.  My husband is in his mid-40’s.   We don’t have much time left and even if we did it doesn’t look like there’s much chance for us.  We can’t afford to do a donor egg cycle and even if we could I’m not sure I’d be ready for that.

I am going to have a follow up appointment with the RE in a couple of weeks but I’m not really sure why.   I don’t know what he can tell me that will make any of this ok.  The truth is I am not ok.  I’m not.  I keep telling my husband that but he asks what I mean by that and I can’t explain.  I’m just not ok and I don’t know if I’m going to be.

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18 thoughts on “Not Pregnant

  1. countyourselfunlucky

    I’m so sorry for what you are going through and feeling right now. I know it doesn’t make it any better but I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Here is a podcast which you may find helpful to listen to. It doesn’t offer up solutions with regards to treatments but may help with regards to how you’re feeling right now…. of course I don’t mean to talk out of turn and if this is not for you, please feel free to ignore – I don’t mean to add to your pain.
    https://beatinfertility.co/grief-infertility/

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      1. countyourselfunlucky

        Big hugs to you. It is so tough and I’m sorry that you’re struggling. It’s completely normal to feel the way you do and no matter what happens in future or what you may decide to do with pursuing motherhood, it’s so important that you look after your emotional well-being right now and allow yourself the space to grieve and deal with all the emotions you are going through xx

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  2. g2the4thpower

    I’m so sorry to hear that this cycle didn’t work. I completely understand the frustration of having unexplained shitty eggs to work with. I remember you saying you tried Coq10 for supplements, but if you’re able to give a 4th cycle a try I highly recommend giving your eggs 3 months of several of the recommended supplements from that book, like vitamins c, D, E, Coq10, r-alpha lipoic acid, etc (I know there are a few more but I don’t recall exactly what they are), and then doing melatonin during stims. I found a big difference in my final successful cycle after 3 months of supplements. Again, I’m very very sorry to hear it didn’t work out this time. I’m not convinced you’re not going to achieve success with your own eggs though. Donor eggs could be an option, but as someone also with uncooperative eggs, I understand how you likely feel about that idea right now. Sending you much love & strength. Xx

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  3. Kimberly @ Infertility Unfiltered

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I literally let out an “oh no!” out loud at work. Take your time and processes through these feelings. It’s completely normal. Sometimes husbands don’t understand, b/c they’re not the women and will never be. Just tell him thank for you being there but sometimes no response is needed. I also definitely recommend the book “it starts with the egg” I’ve seen other commentors mention about it too. The author is a micro biologist her self and was going through infertility, she has a lot of up to date research (that is easy to understand) about what makes good egg quality.

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  4. tidleone

    I’m so sorry, the journey absolutely sucks sometimes and it’s right to take some time to grieve and say that it’s not okay and it’s not fair because it isn’t! I’m afraid that what you’re experiencing is my absolute fear, that if round 3 fails it will be the end and I’m not sure how or if it is something that anyone can deal with. All I do know is that going through IVF makes you resilient, just when you think you’ve taken all that you can take, when you think you’re finally broken – from somewhere, I have no idea where, some strength normally surfaces because it has to and it drives you on. Give yourself time. Let yourself grieve. Then grab the future, whatever that may be. Xx

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  5. thegreatpuddingclubhunt

    I’m so sorry, there are just no words I can say that will make anything better, so I will send you hugs instead X Wishing for you that some of that fog will clear soon, it can’t be easy making any sense of where you are now, I hope tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that…you’ll begin to feel stronger X

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  6. Lisa McDonald

    Sending you lots of love at this time as you process where you are now, I know it’s a difficult time. Be patient with yourself and nurture yourself. When you have the strength to consider the next steps, here’s a couple of things to look at which I found helpful. DHEA, Melatonin and acupuncture (relaxes, reduces the effect of stress and nourishes the ovaries and womb; studies have show up to 65% improvement)

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  7. Nicole

    Oh hun. There are no words. I’ve been reading along and my heart hurts for you and your husband. There’s nothing fair about any of this. I am so, so sorry. ❤ *hugs*

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