I Can’t Believe It (beta update)

Well here it is the 14th.   I did go beta or bust surprisingly.   I’ve been spotting since Sunday so I didn’t have a good feeling and told my nurse this.  She assured me it’s normal but I know better.  With my only pregnancy I had not one symptom and certainly no spotting.  I think my body is just done.

SO I got an e-mail around 11 asking if I wanted a call or e-mail.  I opted for a call.  My nurse called me right away and told me she had bad news.   It’s a negative.   Even though I was 90% sure that was the case I was devastated.   Her voice caught and I thought she was going to cry but my voice was totally flat.  I was in school after all and couldn’t let the kids see me upset.   I said I was ok, I knew it would be negative, it was fine.  Inside I was dying.

My nurse apologized no less then 5 times.  She was very upset for me, I could tell.  I was upset too but didn’t want to show it.   She told me the doctor would talk to me on Tuesday when I come in for my infusion. My only consolation is I have 2 frozen good quality embryos so I still have a chance.  I’ve never done an FET because I’ve never had anything to freeze.

I know I’m rambling.  I’m not going to lie.   I haven’t had a drink in 7 weeks and I’ve been drinking since I got home.  i can’t handle this.  Everything was in my favor.  My lining was gorgeous.  My embryo was very good and the embryologist said it looked great.  I had two to freeze.  Everyone thought this was it.  My nurse even said that to me.  She said she thought this was it for me.  Everything looked better then anytime before and everythign looked good.  She thought it was in the bag.

Turns out it wasn’t.  My body hates me.   I’m so tired of all of this.  9 medicated cycles later and  I am still childless.  I don’t understand why this is happening to me or why I can’t have a baby.  I’m a good person and I’d be such a good mom.   I have a ton of elementary school students and some call me their school mom because I take care of them.  Some ask if I can be their mom.  I love my students but I want a child of my own.   I just don’t think it’s going to happen and I can’t handle it.  I really can’t.  I’m over destroying my body, my mental state, and my relationship with my husband.  I hate every minute of my medicated cycles.  They turn me into a crazy person that I don’t like.

To make matters worse my cousin is having her baby on Monday.  What in the heck am I supposed to do?  I really thought I’d be pregnant by now so it wouldn’t bother me but now I’m not sure I can handle it.  I’m not due to go home until Thanksgiving but everyone will expect me to go home and see the baby before then.  I’ll be honest…I’m not sure I can without losing my shit in front of my entire family and I can’t do that.   I’m already a mess anytime my mom brings up a baby or adoption.

So after the call I took a planning period.  It was my reading group period but since my groups don’t start until next week I grabbed my keys, my purse, and ran to my car.  I made it without crying.  When I got to my car I started bawling.  I called my husband.  He stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes while I cried and had major issues.  After 30 minutes I went bakc to school.   I got myself together, got in the building, and ate by myself so I could get it together.   It was an awful day.

I’ve been ok at home until now.  I’m crying as I write this knowing I probably won’t ever be a mom and I can’t handle that.  I will be depressed until I die if I can’t have a child.  I don’t know what to do.  I know we have two frozen but my clinic has a horrible FET success rate.  Other news?   I go to my OB/GYN in 2 weeks.  I might call her out on seeing her at the RE.   I can’t handle having her if she got pregnant and I didn’t.   I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m going to sign off for now because I’m a mess.   It’s been a rough day and I expect the next few days will be bad as well.  I planned a good weekend just in case so my friends are coming over for brunch Saturday and my brother and his wife are coming Sunday so at least that will be good.

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9 thoughts on “I Can’t Believe It (beta update)

  1. heathermstaley2014

    I’m not going to say “I’m sorry” because I know that wouldn’t even do this situation justice. Please know that as bad as you feel right now, it WILL pass. Sucks while you are in the trenches of it though for sure. Especially when your battle isn’t hours, days, weeks, months, but YEARS. It’s a tough road. It makes people crazy and can tear your world apart. I don’t have much good advice other than as alone as you feel, you aren’t alone. No words can make this right. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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