Category Archives: beta

We transferred!

Here it is Wednesday and I’m happy to report we were able to transfer on Monday.   I was so worried that our little embryo wouldn’t thaw properly but it turns out I didn’t need to worry.   Originally I was going to take off the entire day off from work but since it’s my easy day at school I went in for the morning.

At noon I came home and picked up my husband.   We drove the hour ride up to the clinic and arrived 15 minutes early.  I expected to have to wait but one of the nurses came a few minutes later to get me.   She had my husband and I change into our “gear” and then the embryologist came in to talk to us.

I know I’ve talked about him before but our embryologist is the best.  He’s been doing this since IVF was just starting.  In fact, he told us when he started the success rate was only 8%.   Can you imagine paying all of this money for an 8% chance??  Anyhow, he came in and told us that the embryo thawed well, bounced back, and was currently an expanding blast.  He did say he was going to do assisted hatching to make sure it could get out.  Then he left and they got us into the room.

I was reminded that this was a blast and that it was a good one.  They told me with had a 50% chance with this one which was what we had with the last one.  I know they were all pulling for us.    So we did everything we needed to do, they got the catheter in me and the embryologist brought in our blast.  A few seconds later I was PUPO!

I was rolled back out into the recovery area and the embryologist came back out.  He was all excited to do a show and tell with us.  It turns out he explained the freezing process in depth and then showed us the actual tube the embryo was frozen in.  It’s CRAZY how small the hole in the tube is that they have to get the embryo in.  He says it’s stressful because they have 90 seconds to get it into the freezing medium then get it into the hole and get it frozen.  The hole is smaller then the eye of a needle and he said that the embryo is about 1/10 of that size.

vitrification

He then gave us the tube that our embryo was frozen in as well as the tubing that it hangs from in the freezing chamber.   It’s pretty cool having that as a souvenir!   It has my code number on it as well as 2 colors.  The colors are for the stage and the grading of the embryo so it was one color for a blast and one color for “good” quality.

So now we wait.  My beta is December 15 so we are either going to have a miracle at Christmas or a really bad Christmas.  I’m nervous but I’m trying not to think about it.  I’m just taking my estrogen and my husband is giving me my progesterone in olive oil.  I’m trying to be positive but I don’t want to get my hopes up.  I do feel good about this cycle.  I feel like my body is more relaxed and things are going well but I don’t want to jinx anything.  Especially since we’ve done so many transfers before.

So just 8 days until we learn the fate of our first frozen transfer.  It’s funny that we’ve done 3 years of infertility treatments but this is our first time doing a frozen transfer.   I hope this is the end of our journey.  If it’s not then we have one more shot but when it’s the end of that cycle it’s the end of our journey and not in a good way.

I Can’t Believe It (beta update)

Well here it is the 14th.   I did go beta or bust surprisingly.   I’ve been spotting since Sunday so I didn’t have a good feeling and told my nurse this.  She assured me it’s normal but I know better.  With my only pregnancy I had not one symptom and certainly no spotting.  I think my body is just done.

SO I got an e-mail around 11 asking if I wanted a call or e-mail.  I opted for a call.  My nurse called me right away and told me she had bad news.   It’s a negative.   Even though I was 90% sure that was the case I was devastated.   Her voice caught and I thought she was going to cry but my voice was totally flat.  I was in school after all and couldn’t let the kids see me upset.   I said I was ok, I knew it would be negative, it was fine.  Inside I was dying.

My nurse apologized no less then 5 times.  She was very upset for me, I could tell.  I was upset too but didn’t want to show it.   She told me the doctor would talk to me on Tuesday when I come in for my infusion. My only consolation is I have 2 frozen good quality embryos so I still have a chance.  I’ve never done an FET because I’ve never had anything to freeze.

I know I’m rambling.  I’m not going to lie.   I haven’t had a drink in 7 weeks and I’ve been drinking since I got home.  i can’t handle this.  Everything was in my favor.  My lining was gorgeous.  My embryo was very good and the embryologist said it looked great.  I had two to freeze.  Everyone thought this was it.  My nurse even said that to me.  She said she thought this was it for me.  Everything looked better then anytime before and everythign looked good.  She thought it was in the bag.

Turns out it wasn’t.  My body hates me.   I’m so tired of all of this.  9 medicated cycles later and  I am still childless.  I don’t understand why this is happening to me or why I can’t have a baby.  I’m a good person and I’d be such a good mom.   I have a ton of elementary school students and some call me their school mom because I take care of them.  Some ask if I can be their mom.  I love my students but I want a child of my own.   I just don’t think it’s going to happen and I can’t handle it.  I really can’t.  I’m over destroying my body, my mental state, and my relationship with my husband.  I hate every minute of my medicated cycles.  They turn me into a crazy person that I don’t like.

To make matters worse my cousin is having her baby on Monday.  What in the heck am I supposed to do?  I really thought I’d be pregnant by now so it wouldn’t bother me but now I’m not sure I can handle it.  I’m not due to go home until Thanksgiving but everyone will expect me to go home and see the baby before then.  I’ll be honest…I’m not sure I can without losing my shit in front of my entire family and I can’t do that.   I’m already a mess anytime my mom brings up a baby or adoption.

So after the call I took a planning period.  It was my reading group period but since my groups don’t start until next week I grabbed my keys, my purse, and ran to my car.  I made it without crying.  When I got to my car I started bawling.  I called my husband.  He stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes while I cried and had major issues.  After 30 minutes I went bakc to school.   I got myself together, got in the building, and ate by myself so I could get it together.   It was an awful day.

I’ve been ok at home until now.  I’m crying as I write this knowing I probably won’t ever be a mom and I can’t handle that.  I will be depressed until I die if I can’t have a child.  I don’t know what to do.  I know we have two frozen but my clinic has a horrible FET success rate.  Other news?   I go to my OB/GYN in 2 weeks.  I might call her out on seeing her at the RE.   I can’t handle having her if she got pregnant and I didn’t.   I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m going to sign off for now because I’m a mess.   It’s been a rough day and I expect the next few days will be bad as well.  I planned a good weekend just in case so my friends are coming over for brunch Saturday and my brother and his wife are coming Sunday so at least that will be good.

Two Week Wait (and things I can’t do)

Well here I am in the 2 week wait.   I’ve been pretty optimistic so far.   Having a decent number of eggs, the eggs fertilizing, having 3 blasts, them telling me they were good quality, and so on.   It’s been a whirl wind and I’ve been lucky so far.   I’ve felt pretty good and have been pretty happy but since yesterday I’m starting to feel down.

Maybe it’s because I’m 6dp5dt.   I feel like this is the turning point.  I could maybe test and see if it was positive or negative but I’m scared.    Yesterday I had horrible cramps in my lower abdomen and legs and it’s making me feel like my period is coming.   I’m hoping not, especially since I’m taking PIO shots, but who knows.   Otherwise I don’t think I’m having any symptoms.  My stomach has been queasy once or twice but I’m pretty sure that was from what I ate that day instead of being pregnant nauseous.

My beta is 4 days away.   I’m dreading it.   I know it could make me super happy but right now I’m thinking to myself that this is my 9th freaking beta.  Only once has it been positive and we all know how that ended.  I’m worried, I’m scared, and I really don’t want to go through all of this again.   The weekends go really slow and have me thinking about it an awful lot.   I just want Wednesday to be here so I can know for sure if it worked.

In the back on my mind I know I have 2 frosties so at least I have another chance but our clinics FET rates of success are low so that worries me too.  This was probably our best chance to have a baby and I just want to know now.

Also, my husband has been a stickler for me not doing things.  He doesn’t want me lifting heavy items, working out, or doing anything that could hurt the potential baby.  I appreciate the thought but I’m sure no matter what I do I’m either going to be pregnant or not.  I did skip zumba last week because I didn’t want to hurt anything.    I’ve also been careful not to lift anything too heavy but I can’t let this take over my life.

So here I am.  I’ll get the news on Wednesday.  Hopefully it’ll be good but right now I just don’t know.

Not Pregnant

I’m sorry it’s taken me several days to update.   When I got the call that my beta was negative I didn’t know what to do.  I called my husband in tears.   I could not believe it was negative.  He could not believe it was negative.  I’ve done everything I possible can to get pregnant and it’s still a no.

The last few days have been a blur.  I’ve had several holiday parties which have been a good distraction but on the other side anything can make me burst into tears.  I don’t know what to do and I just cannot believe that we are here.

After 3 IVF cycle what do you do?   If I can’t get pregnant via IVF what other chances do I have?  None.  That’s the chance I have.  I am totally devastated right now.  My husband is trying to be supportive.  He keeps telling me this is just another hurdle that we’ll overcome it and we’ll keep on trying.  I’m glad he’s being encouraging but I feel like I’ve hit the bottom.

I’m walking around in a cloud of sorrow.   I don’t think we can afford another IVF and what would be the point?   If my last two cycles are any indication my eggs suck.  I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I probably will never be a parent. Even just writing that has me in tears.

I know everyone probably says it but I would be a good mom.  My husband would be a good dad.   We are good people so why is this happening to us?  I can remember thinking that over 2 years ago when we first went to the RE but I had a lot of hope back then.   Now I have next to none.

I really don’t know what to do now.  I don’t know where to turn from here.  I’m 35 years old and my eggs are awful.  My husband is in his mid-40’s.   We don’t have much time left and even if we did it doesn’t look like there’s much chance for us.  We can’t afford to do a donor egg cycle and even if we could I’m not sure I’d be ready for that.

I am going to have a follow up appointment with the RE in a couple of weeks but I’m not really sure why.   I don’t know what he can tell me that will make any of this ok.  The truth is I am not ok.  I’m not.  I keep telling my husband that but he asks what I mean by that and I can’t explain.  I’m just not ok and I don’t know if I’m going to be.

The two week wait (day 11)

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been trying to stay positive and keep my mind off of my transfer.   It was also the Thanksgiving holiday which turned out to be a lot busier then normal.  I went to my parents on Thanksgiving day which was really fun and then the next day we had a dinner party.  Follow that up with brunch with friends today and it’s been a busy weekend!

So how am I doing?   Well I’m 11 days in and I was fine until yesterday.  I’ve really been keeping a positive attitude but as my beta date looms closer I’m starting to get freaked out.   I’ve seen stats that around 90% of people who do IVF get pregnant within the first 3 cycles.   Since we only have 3 cycles and this is the last one, what if we don’t get pregnant?  Then what?  It’s starting to become real that I may need to really think about this question.

As for the progesterone, PIO in olive oil is so much better.  If you remember I did it in sesame oil last time and by day 10 my poor butt was bright red with itchy bumps all over it.   This time I have the needle marks and occasionally it itches a bit but no raised welts and no crazy itching.  Thank goodness for the olive oil!

hope 1

As for the symptom watch, I think I’m having nothing but period symptoms which I know could be pregnancy symptoms, but they seem like period symptoms.  I’ve been pretty good until today.  Today my back is killing me, I have a slight headache, and I’ve been having pain and cramping in my lower abdomen.  I’m worried this is a sign my period is on it’s way.  Since I usually have a 12 day luteal phase that means my period would be coming on Tuesday if not for the progesterone.  Also, last time I started spotting at 13dpo so we’ll see what Tuesday holds for me.

For now, I’m still hoping and praying and talking to both my embryos hoping they are snuggled deep in my womb.   I’m hoping the pangs I keep having in my lower abdomen are just them really getting in there.   Only a few more days until my beta and I’m going betaa or bust again.

Embryo Transfer

So our embryo transfer was yesterday.  I went into the office with a positive attitude figuring if we were there at least one of our embryos survived.  My nurse made it seem pretty dire on the phone so I wasn’t sure what to expect when we got there.

The nurse took me back and got me dressed.   She then asked if I was transferring 2.  I told her if we had 2 then yes, we would be transferring them both.   She left to go get the embryologist to talk to us.

Let me tell you a little bit about our embryologist.   She’s young, in her 30’s, and loves her job.  She loves to talk about the embryos, the eggs, the sperm, the whole deal.  She’s really pretty awesome.  Plus, she’s very open in the fact that her son was born from IVF so she gets it.  I find those in the office who have been through really and truly get it.  My RE had both of his kids via IVF and the embryologist had her son via IVF.

When she came out she told us that of our 10 eggs, 8 had been mature.  She then went on to say that 5 actually fertilized.  However, 3 of them fertilized abnormally so they couldn’t be used.  One was a definite egg quality issue but the other 2 she wasn’t sure about.  The two that fertilized normally looked good though.

She told us that one of them was a 2 cell which was fine for day 2.  She told us that as of an hour ago the other was a 3 cell but when she heard me come in she took it out again and it had turned into a 4 cell so she was really pleased with that.  She also said that she graded them both good.   Our clinic grades excellent, good, fair, poor.  If you remember last time we had 1 fair embryo and 1 good embryo, so we were actually ahead of where we were for our last IVF.

She talked about how she had said at our retrieval we should think about putting in 3 if the quality wasn’t good.  While we only had 2, she wouldn’t let us put in anymore anyhow because they were both graded good.  This was good to hear.

After a while the RE came in.  He asked how we were doing, how I was feeling, and asked if we were putting 2 in.  He said he had talked to the embryologists and they both looked good.  He told me he’d be back shortly and we’d go in.

Twenty minutes later we went into the surgery room.  My husband was by my side and I was on the table.   Soon two nurses came in and took charge.  One put my legs up and got that part of me prepped while the other turned on the ultrasound machine and found my bladder and uterus.   Looking at it she said it looked great.

Then the RE came in.   He checked my lining and said it looked great.  He then cleaned off my cervix (the worst part in my opinion), and put in the catheter. He showed us on the screen where the catheter was and where the embryos would come out.

The embryologist came in, said my name, conferred with the doctor and put in the second catheter.  They counted to 3 and in went my embryos.   I saw the two of them go in and settle in my uterus.   My RE said it was a bullseye that they were right in the correct place.  My husband saw them this time too.

They checked to see that the tube was empty and everyone left the room except one nurse.  She offered me a bedpan, which I took, and left the room.  Unfortunately, this time I just couldn’t use it.  She came back in and took me out with my husband.

The embryologist came back out with her laptop to show us photos.  We saw each egg, each sperm, and it actually be inserted into the egg.  Then we saw all 5 of the fertilized eggs.  Then we saw the 2 eggs that fertilized normally and how they were this morning.  She explained everything thoroughly.  She also told us she played the radio for them and talked to them a lot telling them to hang on because they were going to be around for awhile.  She cracks me up.

After that we got to go home.   I’m trying to be positive now though of course every time I cough, sneeze, or lift anything I panic a bit thinking it’s going to affect them. Logically I know it won’t and they they are safe and snug in my uterus.  It’s up to them to implant here in a few days but no matter what I do they won’t “fall out”.

So now we wait the 2 weeks until my beta.   It’s going to be a long wait.   I’m having some pain in my abdomen but I’m hoping that’s just because we did transfer so close to retrieval so I wasn’t totally healed yet.

Official Beta: It’s a No

So it’s official.  I had my beta on Tuesday and it was negative.  My nurse called early and told me and was very apologetic.   Even though I knew it was negative I still cried.   It’s horrible to be in this position.   I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions over the past week.

Negative Pregnancy Test

At first I was sad.   I cried a lot for several days just thinking that I may never be a mom.   I don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant naturally  and I can’t even get pregnant via IVF.  What’s wrong with me?   I feel completely broken and like I’m a disappointment to myself, my husband, my family, and the human race.

Yesterday I entered the mad phase.   Why can’t I get pregnant?   There are people all over the world who don’t even try and get pregnant so why not me?  I’d be a great mom and I want it to bad.   I’m mad at myself, my body, my doctor, my nurse, and pretty much everyone around me.  It’s a bad place to be but it’s where I am right now.  I’m pissed off.

I have to call and make an appointment in a week or two with the RE.   It’s called my WTF appointment to talk about what went wrong.  I’ve got a good idea of what went wrong…my AMH is .26 at age 34, my FSH is around 14, and out of 9 eggs only 5 were mature and of those only 2 freaking fertilized.   That’s what’s wrong.  I don’t even know if I have enough eggs left to go through another round of IVF.

I’ve been going back and forth on that too.   I want a baby so badly it hurts.  I don’t want to go through IVF again.  This last cycle was horrible.  I was in a lot of pain throughout the process and I can’t imagine working while cycling.  Both times I’ve done IVF I’ve done it in the summer but there is no way I can do that again because we can’t wait because of my crappy old eggs.  My husband is 11 years older then me and I’m the freaking problem.  How unfair is that?

I’ve got to work through this and thankfully I’ve got a few weeks left until school starts, 3 1/2 weeks to be exact.  I need to get it together, process this loss, because really while not officially a loss, it’s a loss of 2 embryos to me.  We need to talk to the doctor and figure out what our next step is and if we even have another chance at IVF because I’m not even sure we do.

So here I am.   Sad, mad, depressed, scared, worried, and unsure.  It’s a rough place to be.  One thing I do know for sure is infertility sucks.