Tag Archives: ultrasoun

Trucking along on Stims (IVF #3)

Wow!  I can’t believe it’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.   With my last 2 IVF cycles it was summertime so I had a lot of time on my hands and it was all I thought about.   SInce I’m working during this cycle I have to tell you it doesn’t seem real.

I’ve now been taking shots for 4 weeks.  FOUR WEEKS!  My poor stomach is black and blue and there isn’t much room left for another shot.   I’ve been doing Estrogen shots every Friday and Tuesday for 2 weeks now.  I’ve also been doing Ganirelix for 2 weeks.   I’ve since added in 750 iu of Follistim and 1/2 a vial of Menopur.   This equates to 5 shots most days as I have to change the cartridge and needle on the Follistim because of my large dose.

I’ve also been taking an estrogen suppository every night.   I’ve been exhausted this last week and in bed by 9 each night.  I couldn’t figure out why I’m so tired buy of course it’s the medication.  I’ve also been on a short fuse which is not good at my job, so it’s been a little rough.   Plus the students have been struggling this week so it’s been rough on me.

Tonight will be my 8th night of stims and I’ve had no monitoring.  That’s another reason why this cycle doesn’t seem real.  4 weeks of shots and no monitoring is crazy.  I have no clue what is going on in my body and I’m scared.   No appointments means my mind has been off of it except from 9-9:20 every night when I do my shots.  I could go in tomorrow and have to trigger.   That would be crazy.

I will say I think it’s working.   I’ve had some twinges in my lower abdomen and they feel heavier.  I know they can’t be too heavy since I’m DOR and there can’t be that many in there, but I’m hoping it’s working. If not, I’ve just used 7-8 thousand dollars of meds for nothing.

My monitoring appointment is tomorrow morning at 8.  I’m so nervous.  If everything looks good it’ll be a relief and I think it’ll finally feel like this is happening.   If it doesn’t look good, I’ll be devastated since I’ve been at this for 4 weeks.

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IVF #1 The Day my World Collapsed

The day after I saw my baby’s heartbeat I woke up smiling.   Life was good.   I headed to the bathroom first thing in the morning and when I wiped I saw bright red blood.   Not a lot, just a tiny bit, but enough to freak me out.

I headed out to the bedroom and told my husband.  He told me to call my nurse and that everything would be ok. I called my nurse and she said a little bit of spotting was normal.   Nothing to worry about.   I tried not to freak out but later that afternoon I had more spotting.

The next day was more of the same.  I was starting to panic.  How could I be spotting?   I called the nurse again and heard the same thing.  Spotting is normal.  Unless I was bleeding through a pad in an hour or so, I should be fine.

The third day after the ultrasound I had a bit of spotting but it was brownish.  I felt much better.  My dad also came down that day to help us around the house so I had a distraction.  I ended up going to bed early because of the stress and when I woke up the next morning I had more bright red spotting.

This time when I called my nurse she told me if it would make me feel better I could come in for an ultrasound.  I agreed and called the RE’s office closer to me.  They could take me Saturday morning.

Saturday morning came and I was going to go by myself but at the last minute my husband came too.  He didn’t want me to go alone.   We went to the RE’s and I sat shaking in the ultrasound room.   He looked at the ultrasound, measured the baby, told me he saw the fetal pole, he saw the sac, and then he was quiet.   After a minute he looked at me and told me he couldn’t find a heartbeat.

miscarriage

In that moment my world shattered.   I burst into tears and started gasping for breath.  My husband squeezed my hand tightly and told me it would be ok.  He began stroking my head.   Both of us were looking so hard at the monitor.  The RE looked at us again and said he couldn’t see a heart beat and I was still measuring 6 weeks 2 days.   He told me to get dressed and he’d meet me in the other room.

I lay on the table, undressed, sobbing until my heart completely broke.  My husband gathered me into his arms and tried to whisper to me that he loved me and it would be ok but I knew I would never be ok again.   After calming down as much as I could, I got dressed and walked dully into the other room.

The RE told me that he was sorry he couldn’t find the heartbeat but that he’d like me to come back in 3 days so they could check again.   He didn’t think they would find one and he began giving me my options.   I could just wait and see what happened, I could take medications to make me lose the baby, or I could get a D&C.   I sat staring at him while my husband told him that we would think about it and wait until we came back.

I got into the car and my husband got into the driver’s seat.   I’ve never been so grateful that he came with to the appointment.   I cried the entire way home and crawled into bed once we got home.   My husband crawled into bed with me and just held me all night.

I am writing this post 3 months after I found out my baby’s heart stopped beating.   While I have stopped crying everyday, and the pain has lessened, there is a hole in my heart where my baby should be.  Time may soften the blow but I’ll never forget my baby.  All I can do is keep trying and look for a brighter future.