NT Scan

It feels like it’s been a while since I’ve written.   Things have been busy and it’s becoming hard keeping this secret of being pregnant.   I’m currently over 13 weeks and we had our NT scan on Wednesday.  The woman that did it was awesome.

She spent about 25 minutes with us and we got to see the baby for a long time.   The baby didn’t want to cooperate so we got to see it for a long time.  It was kicking a little and when the tech tried to get it to roll over it lifted its fist up and was almost shaking it at her!  Too cute!

We got to count the fingers and toes and they are all there.   She said that the NT scan looked perfect and that they would send my bloodwork out to get the full results.  We got a bunch of photos including an adorable one of the foot!   The woman also gave us a gender guess but said there was no way she could be sure, it was just a guess.

We also told my parents last weekend.  My mother’s reaction was priceless.  We gave them a grandparents Valentine’s Day card.  They read the outside and didn’t say anything but once they got to the insane my mom went nuts.  She had her hands over her mouth, her feet started going, she screamed, and immediately started crying.  It was great!  Too bad we didn’t get it on film.   My dad got a little teary eyed too.  It was great.

We also told my brother.  He seemed very excited for us and was excited to be an uncle.   I can’t wait to start telling other people as well.  I know I’m far enough along but I’m still just nervous.   I had planned on telling people at work this week but I think I’ll be waiting until next week when I’m almost 15 weeks.  It’s crazy how fast the time is going!

First OB Appointment

Well, nothing is easy.  Our first OB appointment was scheduled for Monday.  I woke up Monday morning to 3 inches of snow and a 2 hour delay at work.  Upon looking, every district between here and the 60 miles away where my appointment was had a 2 hour delay as well.   We made the decision to cancel which really upset me but turned out to be for the best as all schools closed for the weather.

When I called to reschedule they told me the next available appointment was…FEBRUARY 27!  WHAT?   I was really upset.   The woman asked if it had to be that office and I said it could be the other office if the appointment was sooner.  Turns out he was available on Thursday at the further office (about 70 miles away instead of 60) but I went with it.

We got to the office right on time.  It’s brand new and was super nice.  There was no wait to check in and they came for me right away.  I filled out paperwork, got my weight and my blood pressure.  They asked for a urine sample but I told them I already went since I didn’t know.

I was led back into a room and the doctor came in. He’s around 70 and totally hilarious.  He put my husband and I at ease immediately.  He jokes, told stories, and answered questions.  Then we had the exam.

He did a breast exam and a pelvic exam.  He also did a swab for some test.  He said that he could feel my uterus which it was a little early for but it was ok.   They weren’t doing an ultrasound since I’ve already had 3 which made me sad.  I think he knew it because he hooked me up to the doppler instead and we were able to hear the baby’s heartbeat which was reassuring.   He said I looked good, my uterus was fine, and he’d see me in 2 weeks for my NT scan and 4 weeks for another check up.

He spent about an hour with us.  He was funny, pleasant, and we were happy we chose him.  Unfortunately on the way out the door they told us he’s leaving in May.  We were so sad!   I thought this would have been the perfect person to delivery my baby because I’m a spaz and he’s so calm.  So we’ll have to switch to someone else in the practice later on in my pregnancy.

After that we went down to get bloodwork.  I also had to give my urine sample.  I got my results from the bloodwork already and everything looked good so that makes me feel better.   So now I just need to wait for 2 weeks to have the NT scan and I’ll be feeling somewhat better.   I can’t believe that this might really be happening!

We’ve done nothing to prepare because I’m to scared too.  I’ve gained 4 pounds in 11 weeks and 1 inch on my waist.  So pants are beginning to get tight.  I guess I’m going to have to buy some maternity clothes sooner then later.  We will be telling my family next week and I can’t wait!   It’ll be like a huge weight has been lifted that I can tell them. Then we’ll tell friends shortly after that.

It’s a Christmas Miracle!

I can’t believe it but I’m pregnant!   I never, ever test before my beta but I just had this feeling so I took a test.   Imagine my shock when it was positive.  The next day I took a digital and it said yes!   I was in complete shock and was really worried for my beta.

On Thursday I had my first beta.  My nurse was off from work with an emergency but she wrote me at 8:25 to call her.  At 8:35 she couldn’t contain herself and e-mailed me with my number-221!  It was positive.  She then wrote an hour later and told me she called in to their weekly meeting, screamed my name and number, and they all did a group hug for me.  I love my clinic.

I went back on Saturday for a second beta and it went up to 541.   My husband and I are in disbelief.  I’m also scared to death and keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.   I have to call my nurse tomorrow to schedule our first ultrasound but it’s looking like it will be January 2nd.

I’m cautiously excited but I need to see the ultrasound before I really start jumping for joy.  Of course, I know that the first ultrasound doesn’t mean everything as I had a miscarriage right after seeing the heartbeat of our first pregnancy.  But for now it’s a Christmas miracle.

We’ve come so far and have done so much to have this baby.  My husband is already being cute and monitoring me.  He bought lunch meat today and then got mad at himself because he told me I couldn’t eat it and he forgot.   He’s been saying a lot of little things that make me think he’s done some research on his on.

So, please keep me in your thoughts that this is our rainbow baby.  That this is the baby we’ve been hoping and praying for for years.  That this is our take home baby.

I Can’t Believe It (beta update)

Well here it is the 14th.   I did go beta or bust surprisingly.   I’ve been spotting since Sunday so I didn’t have a good feeling and told my nurse this.  She assured me it’s normal but I know better.  With my only pregnancy I had not one symptom and certainly no spotting.  I think my body is just done.

SO I got an e-mail around 11 asking if I wanted a call or e-mail.  I opted for a call.  My nurse called me right away and told me she had bad news.   It’s a negative.   Even though I was 90% sure that was the case I was devastated.   Her voice caught and I thought she was going to cry but my voice was totally flat.  I was in school after all and couldn’t let the kids see me upset.   I said I was ok, I knew it would be negative, it was fine.  Inside I was dying.

My nurse apologized no less then 5 times.  She was very upset for me, I could tell.  I was upset too but didn’t want to show it.   She told me the doctor would talk to me on Tuesday when I come in for my infusion. My only consolation is I have 2 frozen good quality embryos so I still have a chance.  I’ve never done an FET because I’ve never had anything to freeze.

I know I’m rambling.  I’m not going to lie.   I haven’t had a drink in 7 weeks and I’ve been drinking since I got home.  i can’t handle this.  Everything was in my favor.  My lining was gorgeous.  My embryo was very good and the embryologist said it looked great.  I had two to freeze.  Everyone thought this was it.  My nurse even said that to me.  She said she thought this was it for me.  Everything looked better then anytime before and everythign looked good.  She thought it was in the bag.

Turns out it wasn’t.  My body hates me.   I’m so tired of all of this.  9 medicated cycles later and  I am still childless.  I don’t understand why this is happening to me or why I can’t have a baby.  I’m a good person and I’d be such a good mom.   I have a ton of elementary school students and some call me their school mom because I take care of them.  Some ask if I can be their mom.  I love my students but I want a child of my own.   I just don’t think it’s going to happen and I can’t handle it.  I really can’t.  I’m over destroying my body, my mental state, and my relationship with my husband.  I hate every minute of my medicated cycles.  They turn me into a crazy person that I don’t like.

To make matters worse my cousin is having her baby on Monday.  What in the heck am I supposed to do?  I really thought I’d be pregnant by now so it wouldn’t bother me but now I’m not sure I can handle it.  I’m not due to go home until Thanksgiving but everyone will expect me to go home and see the baby before then.  I’ll be honest…I’m not sure I can without losing my shit in front of my entire family and I can’t do that.   I’m already a mess anytime my mom brings up a baby or adoption.

So after the call I took a planning period.  It was my reading group period but since my groups don’t start until next week I grabbed my keys, my purse, and ran to my car.  I made it without crying.  When I got to my car I started bawling.  I called my husband.  He stayed on the phone with me for 30 minutes while I cried and had major issues.  After 30 minutes I went bakc to school.   I got myself together, got in the building, and ate by myself so I could get it together.   It was an awful day.

I’ve been ok at home until now.  I’m crying as I write this knowing I probably won’t ever be a mom and I can’t handle that.  I will be depressed until I die if I can’t have a child.  I don’t know what to do.  I know we have two frozen but my clinic has a horrible FET success rate.  Other news?   I go to my OB/GYN in 2 weeks.  I might call her out on seeing her at the RE.   I can’t handle having her if she got pregnant and I didn’t.   I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m going to sign off for now because I’m a mess.   It’s been a rough day and I expect the next few days will be bad as well.  I planned a good weekend just in case so my friends are coming over for brunch Saturday and my brother and his wife are coming Sunday so at least that will be good.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.  It’s a week when people need to hear that they are not alone.   1 in 8 couples are infertile.  It’s not something we should hide.  It’s not something to be ashamed about.  It’s not my fault, it’s not your fault.  Infertility is a disease it’s not a choice.

I post about my infertility on this blog but in truth I keep my infertility inside.  My husband and I are not public about our infertility.   I have a lot of onlilne friends who know and I have 1 friend in real life who knows.  My husband has one friend in real life who knows we’ve had trouble but not to what extent.   Some days I’d like to come out and tell the world but I don’t want people feeling sorry for us.  Other days I’m glad we haven’t told many people.

My parents don’t officially know but they do know something is up.  They’ve offered us money for treatment, adoption, etc.  I appreciate it and I know they love me and want to help.  I know that they are aware that I want children and at 35 years old there is something wrong.  I hide the specifics from them because it’s painful enough for my husband and I, I don’t need all the treatments, the appointments, the disappointment, the needles, the side effects, etc., to effect them as well.

This NIAW I plan on tweeting a few things about infertility because I’m fairly anonymous on there.  I’m also planning on writing a few things on this blog about it.  I think we need to get the word out.  DO you know that only 15 states offer ANY infertility coverage?   What a joke!   Out of those only 5 states pay for IVF.  I am so lucky I live in one of those 5 states.  It’s one of the reasons I live here and haven’t tried to move in 4 years.  I don’t think my parents understand why I’m not trying to get a job back home but the truth is, back home does not have any infertility coverage.   Here in my current state I have a lot of coverage.  It’s sad that so few states offer infertility coverage.

I’ll leave you with this message on infertility:

Infertility is…
Hushed conversations, secret struggles, common misconceptions, ignorance.

The reality is much more than that. The reality is a group of people who fight a battle everyday for a glimpse of what seems to come so easily to… everyone else.
People who face heartbreak and fear and loss and unanswerable questions every single day. People who question every choice they make. People who wonder what they did to deserve this. People who willingly subject their bodies to tests and treatments and probes and medications…
with no guarantee of their happily ever after.

Infertility is…
Getting excited when needles/syringes/medications arrive in the mail, (with a free cooler too!)

Watching your beautiful embryos on the screen…

…Only to be told two weeks later that your dream doesn’t get to stay.

It’s multiple injections daily that leave you with bumps and bruises in places that are not convenient to have bumps and bruises.

It’s eyes so swollen from crying that you lie with ice packs in hopes of being presentable to the outside world.

It’s laughing at yourself for thinking that maybe, just maybe this is the month.

It’s watching “it” happen for everyone else.

It’s a HUGE roller coaster of emotions.

It’s hoping you’ll be “that couple” who was told it would never happen but it did once they stopped trying/went on vacation/stopped stressing/got drunk/did this that or the other thing.

It’s also finding a strength in yourself that you never knew existed.

It’s finding new meaning in words like patience… hope… faith…

It’s discovering a new path.

It’s learning that even in the darkest of days, you will be ok.

Infertility is someone you know… your daughter, sister, aunt, niece,
cousin, friend…

Infertility is me…

Scheduled my appointments

I feel like I’m not writing nearly as much but when I’m not cycling I don’t have much to say.  It’s been over 3 months since I’ve been to the RE’s office.   I’ve written my nurse several times to get some feedback on some different ideas and she’s been great.

So today I started my period.  Usually that would make me sad but today it meant I could schedule my SHG appointment.  I’m going March 24 and I’m so ready.  I’m hoping I get the all clear so I don’t have to do yet another hysteroscopy.  I’ve had 2 SHG’s before and both times they found polyps and had to go in and remove them.  I’m hoping this type around my poor uterus is clear and ready to go.

We will also be doing blood work.  I’m getting my natural killer cells and my AMH levels tested.   My AMH was .26 last February and I’m just hoping it hasn’t dropped anymore.  It seems like my ovaries respond fine but the quality of my eggs must just really suck.  So I’m hoping for anything over .2 at this point.  They are also looking to see if I should be tested for Vitamin D levels.

After my appointment we can determine a date for our 4th and final IVF cycle.   I’m hoping for the best and am going to try to be as positive as possible.  I hate that we’ve waited this long to do it but I need to do it in the summer as my job is super stressful and I’m not sure if I could do it otherwise…not in the spring at least.

I’m also planning on calling for an accupuncture appointment in early April.  I’d like 8 weeks of accupuncture before my egg retrieval and since it’ll be mid-June this should work out for me.  I’ve never done it before but there is a place my RE recommended and it’s $60 per session and the woman specializes in working with fertility patients. I figure it’s time to throw the kitchen sink at this and see what works.

Here We Go Again

Take a deep breath and…..here we go again!   After a month of not really talking about anything IF related we went out of town to do a little shopping last weekend and it just happened to be in the town our RE’s office is located.   As we drove past it on the way home I turned to my husband and told him he didn’t have to talk about it now but that we needed to decide what we were going to do because hanging in limbo was really weighing on me.

He surprised me by saying that while he hates me being put under anesthesia, since another cycle would be mostly covered by insurance he said he thought we should do another cycle.  Since that’s what I’ve been leaning towards as well we decided to go for it.

I thought I threw the book at my cycle last time but it’s nothing compared to what I’m going to do this cycle.   I plan on quitting drinking the cycle before, cutting caffeine to 1 cup of half caff per day, trying any and all supplements I can, and adding in HGH this time around.  That is, if my RE is ok with all of this.  He doesn’t know it yet, but that’s what I want to do next time.

I wrote my nurse on Tuesday.  She wrote me back telling me she was on vacation and would it be ok to wait until Monday to write me back or did I need answers now?  How awesome is she?   She didn’t have to write me on vacation.  I wrote her back and thanked her for replying but told her I could wait until Monday.

So now I’m doing so research on supplements.  I’m also looking into the IVF diet.  I’ve already been trying to add protein to my diet but I need to limit my carbs.  We’ll see how that goes.

Now, I just wait until Monday and see what the nurse says.  I asked her about 500 questions before we go ahead and do this.  I want to be tested for a few things before hand too.   We likely won’t cycle until June, which until February hit seemed so far away.  Now it’s just 4 short months away!

Embryo Transfer

So our embryo transfer was yesterday.  I went into the office with a positive attitude figuring if we were there at least one of our embryos survived.  My nurse made it seem pretty dire on the phone so I wasn’t sure what to expect when we got there.

The nurse took me back and got me dressed.   She then asked if I was transferring 2.  I told her if we had 2 then yes, we would be transferring them both.   She left to go get the embryologist to talk to us.

Let me tell you a little bit about our embryologist.   She’s young, in her 30’s, and loves her job.  She loves to talk about the embryos, the eggs, the sperm, the whole deal.  She’s really pretty awesome.  Plus, she’s very open in the fact that her son was born from IVF so she gets it.  I find those in the office who have been through really and truly get it.  My RE had both of his kids via IVF and the embryologist had her son via IVF.

When she came out she told us that of our 10 eggs, 8 had been mature.  She then went on to say that 5 actually fertilized.  However, 3 of them fertilized abnormally so they couldn’t be used.  One was a definite egg quality issue but the other 2 she wasn’t sure about.  The two that fertilized normally looked good though.

She told us that one of them was a 2 cell which was fine for day 2.  She told us that as of an hour ago the other was a 3 cell but when she heard me come in she took it out again and it had turned into a 4 cell so she was really pleased with that.  She also said that she graded them both good.   Our clinic grades excellent, good, fair, poor.  If you remember last time we had 1 fair embryo and 1 good embryo, so we were actually ahead of where we were for our last IVF.

She talked about how she had said at our retrieval we should think about putting in 3 if the quality wasn’t good.  While we only had 2, she wouldn’t let us put in anymore anyhow because they were both graded good.  This was good to hear.

After a while the RE came in.  He asked how we were doing, how I was feeling, and asked if we were putting 2 in.  He said he had talked to the embryologists and they both looked good.  He told me he’d be back shortly and we’d go in.

Twenty minutes later we went into the surgery room.  My husband was by my side and I was on the table.   Soon two nurses came in and took charge.  One put my legs up and got that part of me prepped while the other turned on the ultrasound machine and found my bladder and uterus.   Looking at it she said it looked great.

Then the RE came in.   He checked my lining and said it looked great.  He then cleaned off my cervix (the worst part in my opinion), and put in the catheter. He showed us on the screen where the catheter was and where the embryos would come out.

The embryologist came in, said my name, conferred with the doctor and put in the second catheter.  They counted to 3 and in went my embryos.   I saw the two of them go in and settle in my uterus.   My RE said it was a bullseye that they were right in the correct place.  My husband saw them this time too.

They checked to see that the tube was empty and everyone left the room except one nurse.  She offered me a bedpan, which I took, and left the room.  Unfortunately, this time I just couldn’t use it.  She came back in and took me out with my husband.

The embryologist came back out with her laptop to show us photos.  We saw each egg, each sperm, and it actually be inserted into the egg.  Then we saw all 5 of the fertilized eggs.  Then we saw the 2 eggs that fertilized normally and how they were this morning.  She explained everything thoroughly.  She also told us she played the radio for them and talked to them a lot telling them to hang on because they were going to be around for awhile.  She cracks me up.

After that we got to go home.   I’m trying to be positive now though of course every time I cough, sneeze, or lift anything I panic a bit thinking it’s going to affect them. Logically I know it won’t and they they are safe and snug in my uterus.  It’s up to them to implant here in a few days but no matter what I do they won’t “fall out”.

So now we wait the 2 weeks until my beta.   It’s going to be a long wait.   I’m having some pain in my abdomen but I’m hoping that’s just because we did transfer so close to retrieval so I wasn’t totally healed yet.

Official Beta: It’s a No

So it’s official.  I had my beta on Tuesday and it was negative.  My nurse called early and told me and was very apologetic.   Even though I knew it was negative I still cried.   It’s horrible to be in this position.   I’ve gone through a whole series of emotions over the past week.

At first I was sad.   I cried a lot for several days just thinking that I may never be a mom.   I don’t understand why I can’t get pregnant naturally  and I can’t even get pregnant via IVF.  What’s wrong with me?   I feel completely broken and like I’m a disappointment to myself, my husband, my family, and the human race.

Yesterday I entered the mad phase.   Why can’t I get pregnant?   There are people all over the world who don’t even try and get pregnant so why not me?  I’d be a great mom and I want it to bad.   I’m mad at myself, my body, my doctor, my nurse, and pretty much everyone around me.  It’s a bad place to be but it’s where I am right now.  I’m pissed off.

I have to call and make an appointment in a week or two with the RE.   It’s called my WTF appointment to talk about what went wrong.  I’ve got a good idea of what went wrong…my AMH is .26 at age 34, my FSH is around 14, and out of 9 eggs only 5 were mature and of those only 2 freaking fertilized.   That’s what’s wrong.  I don’t even know if I have enough eggs left to go through another round of IVF.

I’ve been going back and forth on that too.   I want a baby so badly it hurts.  I don’t want to go through IVF again.  This last cycle was horrible.  I was in a lot of pain throughout the process and I can’t imagine working while cycling.  Both times I’ve done IVF I’ve done it in the summer but there is no way I can do that again because we can’t wait because of my crappy old eggs.  My husband is 11 years older then me and I’m the freaking problem.  How unfair is that?

I’ve got to work through this and thankfully I’ve got a few weeks left until school starts, 3 1/2 weeks to be exact.  I need to get it together, process this loss, because really while not officially a loss, it’s a loss of 2 embryos to me.  We need to talk to the doctor and figure out what our next step is and if we even have another chance at IVF because I’m not even sure we do.

So here I am.   Sad, mad, depressed, scared, worried, and unsure.  It’s a rough place to be.  One thing I do know for sure is infertility sucks.

Pre-Op for Hysteroscopy

This past Friday I had to go in for my Pre-Op for my Hysteroscopy this week.  I wasn’t really sure what to expect but it was a whirlwind of a day!

We went to the RE’s office and met with him first.  He pretty much just explained the procedure to us which we were familiar with since I had one last summer as well.  While listening to my heart he detected a heart murmur which no one has ever heard before so that was unexpected and a little worrisome.   My grandmother had horrible heart problems and open heart surgery at least 5 times during  her life.  My brother has a heart murmur too so I’m thinking it’s probably a hereditary thing.  Not cool.

After meeting with the RE we went over to the hospital to meet with some others.  Our first stop was the lab to have blood work done.  This was actually our blood work for our IVF cycle, not the hysteroscopy, but we did it the same day.   We each had 3 vials of blood taken and had to give a urine sample so a good time was had by all.

Next we went up to the pre-op area to meet with a few nurses.   The firsts nurse took my blood pressure, which is always good, my pulse, and my blood sugar level.   My blood sugar level was low but my guess is that was because my husband and I hadn’t eaten much that day because we knew we were going out to dinner after my appointments.   No big deal and I was sent to yet another room to meet with yet another person.  This one was a nurse practitioner.

She asked me a ton of questions and gave me a few instructions.  I’m not to take ibuprofen or Advil, my multi-vitamin, or my CoQ10 for 7 days before the procedure.  She also asked about chronic problems so we talked about my shoulder problems.   She wrote everything down then told me another nurse would be with me.

The next nurse came in and went through the procedure with me.  She asked me more questions, some the same as the ones the previous nurse asked.   She then handed me a bag with information about the procedure.  She also gave me soap that I’m to use the night before and the morning of the procedure.  Then she asked if I had any questions and sent me on my way.

It was a total whirlwind of a day but I’m glad we got everything taken care of.  I just got all my blood test results back and everything was normal so that is good.   Three days until the hysteroscopy.